I met Meg when I was working at The Bronx Zoo, when I was in Junior High School/High School. Who knew it would be one of the best jobs I ever had growing up, there we so many many friends I made while there, I always kept track of Meg–she was special. I always had a crush on her, but I was so shy during those years I would never say anything, for the risk of being rejected. I was 16 or 17, and so shy, I had a big mouth, but when it came to girls forget it. Who am I kidding, I am still that shy 16 year old, most would disagree, but well I’ll leave it at that…
Facebook, is the culprit for many of us too re-kindle or re-discover old friends, you can find people whom you lost contact with forever if you want to. I don’t know how it came about but I either found my friend Margaret Ruane or she found me, whom I worked with at The Bronx Zoo. One of the first things I asked her is if she knew kept in contact with Meg, she didn’t but one day she friend requested Meg, and there she was again. I friend requested her also, all these years later could it really be? BINGO, she was my friend and that just opened up the flood gates.
We spoke briefly from time to time on Facebook, but never actually called. She gave me her email address and her AOL screen name, we would say hello from time to time. Meg had some issues to deal with and I eventually wrote her off for about a year, until she got it together. We ended up meeting and going out shortly thereafter, our first ‘date’ we went ice skating in Mamaroneck. I had fun, we skated for a while, but then eventually sat down and just talked for hours and hours, it was one of those things when you are having a good time with someone the time just flies by. I was enamored with her, she had beautiful greyish-blue eyes and her skin was porcelain white as she described it (I always gave her crap for being so PALE); I was in heaven being around her, it was as if something had awakened in side of me. We were older and more mature now–what would happen?
Let’s fast forward we dated for about a year, but I had a tragedy in my life and I just pulled back and could not stay with her. I had my own ‘demons’ to deal with for the time being, I experienced something I never experienced before and didn’t know how to deal with it. She wanted to help me thru it, but I pushed her away as I pushed everyone else away, like I said I just didn’t know how to deal with it. I wasn’t singling her out, I wanted to be alone and wallow in my misery. I did this for about a year until I came out of my funk.
I burst out of that funk and totally transformed myself, there were other things settling themselves in my life, I was a different person, physically, mentally, emotionally, and professionally. Was there room for Meg anymore? Was there room for anyone but myself? Evidently not, because I chose to go it alone. It hurt because what we had was real and I do regret how it turned out.
We kept speaking sporadically, I wanted to be friends but Meg would tell me, ‘How can I be friends with someone I’m in love with?’ This cut me to the bone and really broke my heart, I am crying right now just typing it. But I stayed steadfast and kept to myself and kept pushing along to better myself. We spoke every once in a while, but I hadn’t seen her in over a year. The few times I did try to see her we just kept missing each other.
Fast forward to this past week, much to my disappointment Meg is now at peace, she had a seizure and went into cardiac arrest and passed away. I am heartbroken, I don’t know if I have the right to be as I seemingly turned my back on her–I never stopped loving her and never wanted anything to happen to her. I have been thinking about her all week, and to think that she’s is no longer here just breaks my heart so badly, I have only experienced this loss once before and it hurts just as much now as it did the last time. There was so much that wasn’t said in the manner everything ended, this makes the hurt all the more poignant, it ended so untimely and ultimately. I always thought that in due time may we could re-kindle what we had, but now it’s too late–she is gone…
What hurts me even more is that her family partially blames me for her spinning out of control and asked me NOT to come to her wake. I am so sad and unhappy about this. My original thought was to go, and pay my last respects to her, but I want to honor her family’s request and not make a scene as much as it does hurt. I came home this evening and couldn’t stop crying, what had I done? I had a woman who loved me unconditionally my flaws and all and I just took it for granted an turned my back on her–I can only wish my marriage had this! Of course, I feel partially responsible, during the time we were together everything seemed fine, she went to her meetings and was doing so well. Was it my selfishness that lead to this?
I don’t know if anyone reads this or even cares about what I write, but if you have someone hold them tight and hug them and tell them how much you love them. I hate to be cliche, but remember: ‘Yesterday is history, tomorrow’s still a mystery, but live today–that’s why they call it THE PRESENT!’ I will never forget her, and I will always carry her passing with me FOREVER as I feel I was partially responsible. Please say a prayer and keep her in your thoughts.
Meg, I know you are in a better place now, you are with your parents and all your loved ones, I KNOW you are in heaven, you were such a good person and EVERYONE LOVED you, I will carry you in my heart always and forever. I am sorry for failing you in your time of need. We will meet again in another time and another place, but know that I will NEVER forget you!
I have cut a lot of parts of this story out, to protect the identities of the innocent in this posting.
Be well my friends.
Here is Meg’s Remembrance page.